An Array of Sparse Conclusions


I’ve looked over the edge of death and seen complete nothingness. I’ve seen that dreadful emptiness which is capable of distorting a person into a caricature which they won’t recognize themselves as. I’ve seen a pale face in a mirror, asking questions which never touch the air.  I’ve seen the loss which threatens life from those who want to believe they’ve survived. I’ve stared in the black eyes of the dragon, muttering under my breath, “I’m not afraid. I’m not alone. Now go home, don’t trouble me anymore.” I’ve feared that I’d never be able to wake up from a dream I was dying in. When my head was imploding with an inhumane level of decibels, I wasn’t going to live. I had called out for help, being unable to make any sound at all. Then the moment I dreamily called out, JESUS! the phantasmagoria dissolved into a fine powder which fled the room. Life is an array of sparse conclusions, and this is one of them: Someone has my back. This is why I’ve reexamined everything that’s important to me. I’ve questioned every action of mine, and every thought pattern which led to it. I’ve witnessed my honesty create problems for myself which I haven’t been able to solve. I’ve been trapped for years in saying the all the right things, always acting perfect. I’ve witnessed the dull insensitivity of having faked my way through an entire day. I’ve located a part of me which I never knew I was. After all, I’m a thinker, not a feeler, and relatively tough on the exterior. Of all that I’ve done, I’ve made very FEW conclusions. Conclusions are overrated, especially because they can change so quickly, without any warning. Believe me when I tell you:

There is no black or white.
There is no easy answer,
There is no complete right.
Perfection is a cancer.
There’s not a single blessing,
Which isn’t also a burden.
No answer free of guessing,
No pure metal that’s golden.
Real diamonds have a flaw or two;
The perfect life is not for me.
Believe me when I tell you,
Nothing works out perfectly.

Life is like a course of rushing water, it follows the path cut out for it, but why do we often forget that in the larger scale of things, water also cuts its own path over time? Herein is the tension between determinism and free will. Is there a grand plan which the universe adheres to? This whole idea nauseates me when I remember the sincerity of the people who’ve tried to convince me that indeed, everything happens for a reason; it’s all according to the plan. Is there an adjustment bureau which keeps everything on track? Does God have his big thumb on top of everything that happens? Really? Any answers to this question are merely speculative. We can’t prove either answer. Yes, God’s in complete control. It’s true, the Bible says so. Good logic. Once again, you persuade me by your balance and sensibility. No, God isn’t in control at all. The universe is in complete chaos! Haven’t you ever seen that there’s a lot of order also? The stars, are ALWAYS the same, regardless of whether or not it’s a cloudy night on our mortal perception. Theism and Deism are hard to reconcile, and I admit to having failed at that, yet, it seems I can’t completely accept one or the other. All I have left is God-consciousness, which I trust will sustain me through the years of people being shocked that I don’t just mindlessly accept the fundamentals. Life is an array of sparse conclusions, and this is one of them.

2 responses »

  1. I would argue that while existence is predominantly a massive haze of Gray Area, there are here and there a little areas of black and white. Some things can’t be avoided and will always remain certain; for example, we all will die. There is no other option for the conclusion of life. Death is always the bookend.

    Some things can be perfect. Perfection can lie in memories, rather than tangible things or people. Perfection by nature can’t be found in any one thing – it’s something perceived. Ergo, if you can imagine perfection, it must exist.

    Furthermore I think that one can believe in fate or that ‘everything happens for a reason’ without belief or faith in God or Religion. Perhaps everything happens for a reason simply because time and space demand it. Perhaps the course of life isn’t something structured by mankind or free will or even some Higher Being, but maybe the universe has just willed It to Be. If you buy into the Alternate Universes paradigm, maybe every branching, spreading outcome has already been determined long before you were conceived, and the only choice you truly have is between the forks in the proverbial road.

    Anything can be conceptualized or concluded if given enough credence. Every conclusion is thought to be correct until proven otherwise, thus I argue that any given thought can and is correct so long as someone believes it so.

    • Wow it sounds like you’ve done a lot of thinking about this! Possibly with some of mother natures herbal assistance.
      It’s true, tragedy can happen regardless of whether or not the god(s) are incensed against you… Personally, I fluctuate from theist to atheist, so I prefer to go by agnostic. I just don’t have any solid opinions about all these unprovables. In absence of conclusions, I’m willing to hear people out – they often have reasons why they’re beliefs take on certain shapes and dimensions.

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