An Open Letter To Teenage Guys


An Open Letter To Teenage Guys

Did maturity ever come knocking on your front door? Did you turn it away, like a forlorn salesman trying ineffectually to do his job? I think that was fairly ill-advised, especially when you really could use some maturity.

You may keep telling me clean words, but I will not fantasize that they fall from a clean mouth. Your kind sayings are addressed to me like a round lid on a square container. It is delusion on your behalf to imagine that what you say to me is anything different than anopheline pests to a perturbed pachyderm. You regard matters of importance to me with such persiflage that it results in the termination of my hearkening to your voice. Furthermore, I’d add that your lexicon comprises terms of abhorrence to my ears. Although your pet words are the most abused words in the high school vernacular, they’re anything but spectacular. Who do you think wants to hear what escapes your teeth resembling the gates of hell? Find yourself enough self-confidence to tell a girl what’s true, not just what you think she wants to hear.

It annoys me to hear of your plans for your decennoval nocturne, that it will be filled with chaos of the most reprehensible calibre. These plans are enough to wring the last strains of faith in humanity from my internal constitution.

Your spaced out eyes face a world of unrecognized matter. They zoom in, zoom out, try to focus, but most of the objects are swimming in a blurry sea. Haze covers the people around you while you stare at the only clear things you can see. Your eyes lurch from body to body scoping through the air clouded with testosterone. What do you think this is? A lupanarian opportunity to freeload? You’ll stare for contemptible lengths of time at a specific target, as if to make sure this is your lucky day before shouting LAND HO! Land is always a comforting sight to weary sailors; it is in this languishment that they are most susceptible to the perils waiting ahead. The birdwatching sailors ignore the laroid warnings of concerned overseers to follow the limicoline sirens who escort them to the shore. They are gleefully being wheedled into mooring in the harbour, not knowing that their ship will be plundered. In the thrilling moment while your pallographs sigh under high levels of vibration, contemplate the perilous side of your debauchery. In the moment when your ship runs aground, remember this allegory.

Consider who you are, and who you will become. And GET OFF YOUR REAR AND GET THERE. Man up. Keep your promises. Look into a girls eyes and see more than her southern exposure. Leave behind the hebetic madness of a base mentality. Grow up. Get yourself more ambition in life than just your primitive drive. Act like you’re more than just a roadkill wannabe.


Miss Anthropic

2 responses »

  1. Well Cheyenne, if it helps to know, I did this with a dictionary as a sort of exercise, and even now when I went through it again, I can’t remember what all the words mean, although I have a sense of context. I think this post is so wordy (REALLY) and is just begging to not be understood by the reader unless they’re willing to do a LOT of googling!
    Good for you for making it all the way through this one!

  2. Wow, this was truly amazing to read!
    The second paragraph was quite interesting to read because my vocabulary is not quite as immense as yours and I had to reread it a couple times. I did understand the underlying message that guys don’t really want to try to know you and only say the things that they think that you wanted to hear. I can relate to this because I’ve had some situations in which they make things up to try to get close to you. Once you realize that these things aren’t true, you have started to like them and it makes them harder.
    I thoroughly enjoyed your fourth paragraph and the many various metaphors you used. The very first sentence captured me with the focusing because I love to take pictures. Also, when you started talking about sailors, I saw what you did with the land ho. Basically, all we are to guys is something to look at or use. I’ve had few occasions in which I have been treated like a human and properly in most sense.
    Overall, I really enjoyed your blog and especially this post! When I read that it was an open letter to teenage boys, I just had to read it. As I started, I was slowly drawn in and had to continue reading. I think you are a really good writing and can express yourself really well. Keep it up and I’m going to keep your blog bookmarked so I can keep in check 🙂

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