Monthly Archives: August 2013

Skydiving

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I want to go skydiving. It sounds fun. It sounds dangerous. The good kind of dangerous, where you don’t necessarily risk losing your life, but what you do risk losing is your former perceptions of your life.

The only problem with skydiving is this: It’s morally wrong.

It’s prohibited by the Flying Spaghetti Monster, who is looking out for you in its benevolence. The same bittersweet benevolence in which it gave us men with good taste in food, wine, and fashion, but that’s besides the point.

There’s a number of practical reasons why not to. You have a lot to lose by skydiving. After a girl goes skydiving, she has renounced the blissful status of never having fallen through the sky. And clearly, the more times a girl goes skydiving, the less of her there is left. She will wither away into nothing and lose her dignity and respect.

Inexperience is golden. Always. The less you have done in your life the more valuable you are. It’s so much better to stay in a childish state, infantilized by your guardians whose job it is to protect your innocence. They’re looking out for your own good. You need to stay pristine so that you will be a good wife when you are given in marriage (given? received? Cool! I’m an object now – awesome!). We know this is your end goal, whether or not you realize it yet. 😉 In other words, you’re far too young to realize how deeply this conservative religious bullshit will have stained you. You simply don’t know any better.

Stay young and innocent, and we will fetishize your stupidity. Don’t get contaminated by the wayward world, and learn to block out whatever threatens your worldview. We’ll gladly turn you into a sterile, angelic sex symbol. You can represent centuries of denial and repression. You’re welcome! Anytime! As long as you don’t expect any form of agency, let’s keep this up.

Inexperience will help you during mate selection later in life. It will help you rely on your spiritual guidance rather than sinful bodily cues like chemistry or rational analysis which might cause you to doubt your faith and stray from the yellow brick road, *er* ahem, my bad, God’s will.

Other virtues of inexperience are submission to the Lord’s will, malleability and lack of autonomy. Don’t miss out on this opportunity to not have your decisions made for you! Decisions made easy! Risk-free! Terms and conditions: you may be subjected to commodification as one of the Elect. Your deity may see you as an object which can easily become a gift to one of his servants. Sounds pretty good, right?

Other practical concerns about the dangers of skydiving is bird shit. You don’t want that all over you, do you? SO DON’T SKYDIVE! (Do I hear the sound of one hand clapping? When only one alternative is given, by very virtue of it being an alternative there must be OTHER OPTIONS waiting to be had. Bird shit deflectors, anyone?).

Obviously no one should skydive – especially not girls, because as the weaker vessels, they are the more vulnerable ones which need to be protected from the big bad sky. I’d never go so far as to say that this strikes me as possession masquerading as protection at all. After all that’d be completely out of character for patriarchal religion…

Well dear readers, if you’ve managed to swim through the sewers full of sarcasm this far, then keep in mind that these are legitimate notions I actually do face, even though it’s 2013 and women can be considered valuable for their contributions to society, their ethics, their brilliance, their problem solving, rather than whether or not they choose to go skydiving. It all comes down to agency. I’ve got two legs, two arms, and a good head on my shoulders. And there’s no chance in hell I’ll sit back and let myself be considered property. It’s all about agency.

I’ll go skydiving when I’m damn well ready and not a second sooner. Or later.