Tag Archives: Reason

Apocryphal Amphigory


My views on Biblical inerrancy began changing when I first stepped out on the limb of uncertainty, asking, ‘why do the Catholics have more books than us?’ I resolved to get my hands on the apocryphal books, read them, and then be able to easily conclude that they weren’t inspired by God, just like the early church fathers did when they were led to that dame conclusion by God. If God led them to disdain the apocryphal books in order to honour his inerrant word, then He would likely not have changed, and would also lead me to the same conclusions, right?

This is where I digress into my theory of the unconscious will. At some point in our early childhood we are programmed with what we are told is the best for us. A compass is instilled in us which sends us in a certain direction which will supposedly keep us safe. This unconscious will prods us in our respective directions.

My unconscious will wanted to discover reasons why the apocrypha did not deserve to be called God’s word. I did unearth some absurdities which made me suspicious, but I didn’t come across any passage which were blasphemous or cultic, just- absurd. Do allow me to share some of my most memorable findings, and follow me on this exegetical trip:

Tobit was a good guy, a law-abiding citizen, but as his king Sennacherib kept killing Israelites, Tobit buried them secretly. Everything was going well until a whistle-blower from Nineveh told on Tobit. Sennacherib got very angry and wanted to kill Tobit, so Tobit hid. All his property was taken away. All he had left was his wife, Anna, and his son, Tobiah. The problem was solved when Sennacherib was killed by two of his sons.

Things are hunky dory then Tobiah brings him news that another Israelite has been killed (didn’t we fix this problem, seems like Sennacherib’s sons are as perverse as their father). It ruins his day. At sunset, he goes to bury the Israelite, while his village mocks him. That night, he slept next to the wall of the courtyard. It must’ve been a rough night, because he recorded, “I did not know there were birds perched on the wall above me, till their warm droppings settled in my eyes, causing cataracts” –Tobit 2:10. No doctors could cure him, and he was blind for four years.

One day, Anna, a weaver, is given a goat, as a bonus beyond her regular wages. Tobit thought it was stolen and gets very angry with her. He regretted that he got so angry with her, so he prayed that he would die.

On that same day in his town, Ecbatana, in Media, Raguel’s daughter Sarah had dealt with a bunch of browbeating from her dad’s maids. She’d been married to seven husbands, but the demon Asmodeus had killed each of them before they had intercourse. The maids accused Sarah of strangling each of her husbands. She went upstairs intending to hang herself, but she relented, because she knew her father would “go to the nether world laden with sorrow” –Tobit 3:10. She thought it was a better plan to ask God to kill her instead, so she also prayed that she would die.

So, in a good old “God-always-answers-prayer” fashion, God did NOT answer either of these prayers. Instead, He sent Raphael to sort things out, to heal Tobit’s eyes, and to solve Sarah’s marital issues.

The outworking of this is a little trippy, seatbelts on everyone:

Tobit’s son Tobiah would marry Sarah, and it was his job to drive Asmodeus from her. Poor guy, it wasn’t his fault he was eighth in line to marry her.

Meanwhile Tobit remembers his retirement savings, and gives them to his son because he is about to die. So, Tobiah goes to the bank with the hired help of an unknown Israelite (the angel Raphael in disguise) to help him find the way. Tobiah wants his dad to meet his new travel buddy, so Raphael steps inside to greet the very gloomy pops. Raphael introduces himself as Azariah, the son of Hananiah the elder, one of their own kinsmen. This makes the blind father happy, well, as happy as he could be, saying, “What joy is there left for me anymore? Here I am, a blind man who cannot see God’s sunlight, but must remain in darkness, like the dead who no longer see the light. Though alive, I am among the dead.” –Tobit 5:10. Raphael only optimistically said, “Take courage! God has healing in store for you; so take courage!” –Tobit 5:10. So Tobit immediately changes the subject and begins discussing wages with this delusional visitor. Tobiah and the angel set off, while Anna is having a nervous breakdown. She’s bawling, saying that Tobit’s retirement funds will only be useful to use as a ransom for their son when he goes missing. Tobit reassures her, saying that an angel will go with him. The dog followed them out of the house, and went with them.

Tobiah and Raphael walked till nightfall, then camped beside the Tigris river. When Tobiah when to wash his feet in the river, a massive fish leapt out of the water and tried to swallow his foot. Tobiah shouted in alarm, but Raphael just yelled back “Wait! Hang onto the fish! Don’t let it get away!” So Tobiah hauls the fish onshore. Raphael tells him, “Cut the fish open, and take out its gall, heart, and liver, and keep them with you; but throw away the entrails. Its gall, heart, and liver make useful medicines.” –Tobit 6:5. Tobiah ate some of the fish. The rest he salted and brought with him.

Late on, when Tobiah was asking about the medicinal value of the fish gizzards, Raphael told him, “As regards the fish’s heart and liver, if you burn them so that the smoke surrounds a man or woman who is afflicted by a demon or evil spirit, the affliction will leave him completely, and no demons will ever return to him again. And as for the gall, if you rub it on the eyes of a man who has cataracts, blowing into his eyes right on the cataracts, his sight will be restored.” –Tobit 6:8-9. That was the end of that conversation.

Am I the only one who is really sensing the Lord’s speaking to them right now?

Then Tobiah and Raphael began talking about guys stuff, like the laws of Moses regarding the betrothal of the Israelite females. Raphael convinces Tobiah to ask Sarah’s father for her, then proceeds to give him wedding night advice, i.e., using the fish liver and heart as incense. (I do wonder if any other type of incense was used in the verbal plenary inspiration of the book of Tobit.)

When they get back to their hometown of Ecbatana, Tobiah goes to Sarah’s house before he goes to his own house… turns out he stays the night. Tobiah took the fish’s heart and liver out of the bag he’d been carrying them in, and placed them on the embers as incense. The demon, Asmodeus, couldn’t stand the smell so he fled to Upper Egypt. Raphael chased him there and bound him hand and foot, then returned immediately.

Tobiah and Sarah happily survived the night in which he should have died, so they stay at her dad’s house for another two weeks. Meanwhile Tobiah’s dad is anxiously counting the days of his son’s absence. When Tobiah returns home, he puts the gall firmly into his father’s eyes, and blows on them. Then, with both hands, he peels the cataracts away. Everybody parties, and they all live happily ever after. Tobiah inherits a ton of money because he and Sarah were both single kids.


Now, breathe, and maybe re-read the story to get all the details again. This story has meant so much to my spiritual growth. I’m sure it will to you too. When you read it a second time, just remember, this is God speaking directly to you.

When I put aside my wry, sacrilegious sense of humour, we can both conclude that this story has its ridiculous elements. However, real life is stranger than fiction, and peculiarity isn’t good grounds for dismissal.

Two questions arise about the book of Tobit. Why was it kept out of the Protestant canon? Is it because the medical practises advocated within this book are so out-of-date, superstitious, and ineffectual that a sensible person could read it and know it was authored an ill-informed fictionist, not God? Why was it even sanctioned as part of the Roman Catholic canon? Do we want to encourage morality in the face of authoritarian repression among gravediggers for generations to come? I guess we can never know the purposes of God. cough cough SARCASM cough cough.

When I read through the Apocrypha, I unknowingly stumbled upon a skill which would serve me well, and put me through years of misery. Critical reading and analysis. Being able to read a Biblical book and question its veracity was a new freedom. When I continued reading through the Protestant canon, I applied the same scrutiny to its content. I realised there are numerous absurdities in our canon as well, the only difference between them is that I’ve been conditioned to believing them from a young age. Talking donkeys? You have GOT to be kidding me. Although, if an event like that were to take place at some time during history, then I would hope the story would be preserved.

My views on Biblical inerrancy embarked on a rollercoaster of doubts ever since picking up a Catholic Bible. One should learn to not ask questions. REALLY? I’m not THAT tractable. For the longest time, I outlasted my doubts with a blind optimism that all these questions have answers. Asking the hard questions = finding the hard answers. I lived in a dream world, thinking, “it’s true, so it will stand up to scrutiny.” That is a bad assumption to make.

I’m not going to live from assumption to assumption, even if that means drawing fewer conclusions.

I’m not going to create a fantasy that says, “everything works out perfectly. Every question has answers. Just believe.”

And I’ve checked with my laissez-faire Head Honcho; it’s all good.

Heaven Is


Sometimes amazing things happen to us which we can’t explain, but in my typical indomitability,  I’ll try to explain what’s happened. After all, how hard could that be? I realize I’m risking making no sense whatsoever, but it’s just an occupational hazard.

First, –philosophy before prose– I’ve come to believe that our ideas about heaven are merely our ideals of a perfect life we wish we could experience now. Eternity might be completely different than the scope of our mortal speculation allows us to comprehend. Heaven is a difficult concept to tackle with a priori alone, so having exhausted that approach, I’ll continue with a posteriori. I’m able to embrace the complete uncertainty about the afterlife, because my peace of mind comes from my convictions, not my reason.

Heaven is real. I know it because it’s happened to me. You can’t fool me now. I’m resorting to experiential intelligence as a means of understanding, having found reason to be dull and dry, yielding limited returns. You could say I’ve crapped out on philosophically handling questions about heaven. I’ve crapped out of methods which don’t serve me as well.

Heaven is the joy leaking through your fingers because you were the fool who thought they could hold it. It’s the moment you realize you’d waited for about five years, and it’s finally coming true. It’s the clarity in the air as you listen to the words which cut years of burdens off your young mind. It’s when the years of pain melt away into tears which are being shed on your shoulder, and down your back. It’s when you realize that your estimates of about ten years of drudgery on a path to reconciliation are inaccurate. It feels so good to be wrong. Heaven is when years of turmoil melt into a peace which comes from regret, retrospection.

Heaven is forgiveness. It’s real.

Heaven is lightheartedness slowly returning to a cynical, calloused, cadaverous creature of complicated concerns who’s been carrying crap.

Heaven is when burdens are being cut off, and you’re realizing that you’re ten times lighter.

Heaven is when the stupid humans get the hell over their petty drama, and drop grudges. It’s when people stop lugging all their crap around and spewing hate in the air about others. It’s when mortal arrogance ceases long enough to let heaven shed light on a situation.

Heaven is when NO ONE UNDERSTANDS WHAT JUST HAPPENED. Why destructive habits stopped. Why one person just gained the clarity and cool-headedness in the midst of confusion that you KNOW something changed. Someone let them in on the cosmic secret: HEAVEN IS REAL.

To those who are bent on backstabbing: fuck off. I have a life to live. I’m bloody well going to live it free, without the need for self-righteousness to assert some sort of order or justice. I don’t have the answers to any of your problems. If you wish that I’d solve the world’s problems, by attempting to hold people accountable to some code of conduct, take a reality check. Forget it. It’s my life. No type of religious claptrap  could convince me to play God and carry around a resentment for why people don’t act as they should.

2011 brought its fair share of good and bad. In retrospect, I think it was completely unfair. I was robbed of a gift I thought I’d have for 60 more years or so. but, I was given a gift –a big shiny one– that I didn’t think I’d get for years: reconciliation. Psalm 65:11 “You crown the year with Your goodness.” I’m really thankful for the ways God helps me get over the jerk side of my humanity, and works good things into my life, e.g., giving me peace which I didn’t think I’d have for about ten more years. I like how He pulls me back from danger by getting dirt under His fingernails with me, and showing me what to avoid, why to avoid it. I’m also really lucky to know His unconditional acceptance, no matter what trumpery I dabble in.

Thanks for tuning in.


Heaven is more than 24 cookies eaten in less than 24 hours. [true story]

Heaven is when your mom is under your bed trying to find your owl. [true story]

Heaven is when people figure out the value of what they have to say, and then proceed to take the liberty of cushioning it with the most fitting expletives.

“Roses were red,
Back then at your visit,
The violets were blue,
Now they are wilted.
So long 2011,
You completely SUCKED.
If I didn’t have heaven,
I’d be royally (let’s see, what rhymes, out of luck?)”

If only I could bottle some, and give it to my family to cure them. I’d also give some of this magic medicine to a friend of mine. Here -this is what makes life life.