Tag Archives: stars

Learner At Heart

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Hello friends, fogies, freds and fraggles! I’m finally getting around to updating you all. 😀

Here’s a buffet of my life for the last 48 hours:

This is a journal entry I wrote in the air.

This dirty city becomes farther and farther away from me as I rise up and up. I love the feeling. It’s funny how this feeling can terrify the person beside me, yet I’m loving it. The grunge of light pollution becomes an intricately knit tapestry. The city lights make the floor look like a chess board with orange and amber characters. I told a lady onboard that they were like constellations on the ground. It’s true. They’re the lines and designs of a complex pattern. (and just like cities don’t spring out of nowhere, materialised by some giant pop then evolve into organised metropolises, it’s also hard to imagine galaxies forming themselves from a bang. Call it a lack of faith.) These cities getting farther and farther away from me are like embers strung together like pearls.
I love the upward feeling. The long, sustained, rising sensation. It’s just like the magic a pointe dancer feels in each releve, but multiplied. I get higher and higher above the cities, who are so self-consumed, omphaloskeptic, if you will. I realise how much nicer everything else seems when you have a different perspective.
The angels carrying my plane are tiptoeing across the Atlantic, giving Poseidon some sort of Shiatsu.
I will admit to having caressed the outside of the plan upon boarding. Planes are beautiful creatures; -robust, yet elegant.
Now, with no more ground beneath me, and an ocean 10,000 miles down, I’m getting some stargazing in. There’s SO many. Your chances of counting them are as good as counting the grains of powder in an “Instant Heaven! Add Water and Mix” package. When I see the sheer volume of stars, I begin to wonder why humankind has invented constellations.
Constellations DON’T exist outside our imagination. Deep within the human subconscious is the latent desire to draw conclusions that aren’t there, to draw lines that simply don’t exist. To what purpose? To validate our self worth by being able to being able to explain a 3, 4, 5, or more dimensional issue in only 2 dimensions? Wow. Needless to say that you’ll lose a lot of information that way.

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Despite taking three gravol, I was unable to get any sleep on the 8 hour flight. I was employing  all my mental techniques in order to sleep, but, to no avail. So, at 1:00 in the middle of the night, we’re given breakfast according to local time, which was really only a midnight snack. Then, the sky is bright, and I’m feeling like it’s morning et toute ca va. The short flight from Paris to Geneva was really nice. My family picked me up at the airport, and I was so happy I couldn’t stop smiling. It was like an owl city concert moment relived, that’s how happy I was. I’m feeling really at home with them. The dad is so much like I am used to, full of life and making jokes. The first moment we got outside (it was cloudy) he told me they had no sun in Switzerland. I of course replied it’s because I didn’t bring the sun in my suitcase. Good times.

Being is Switzerland is going to be very very good for me. I can tell already. It’s going to help me gain more mental acuity. DON’T LAUGH. I need more mental acuity. Again, don’t laugh. This is brain work of the most rewarding caliber. It’s like in the talent code, the HSE effect when I realise. I can do this. FriG! I really can do this! I understand 90% of what they say when they speak semi-slowly and use simple French. It makes me so happy. I’m a learner at heart.

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An Array of Sparse Conclusions

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I’ve looked over the edge of death and seen complete nothingness. I’ve seen that dreadful emptiness which is capable of distorting a person into a caricature which they won’t recognize themselves as. I’ve seen a pale face in a mirror, asking questions which never touch the air.  I’ve seen the loss which threatens life from those who want to believe they’ve survived. I’ve stared in the black eyes of the dragon, muttering under my breath, “I’m not afraid. I’m not alone. Now go home, don’t trouble me anymore.” I’ve feared that I’d never be able to wake up from a dream I was dying in. When my head was imploding with an inhumane level of decibels, I wasn’t going to live. I had called out for help, being unable to make any sound at all. Then the moment I dreamily called out, JESUS! the phantasmagoria dissolved into a fine powder which fled the room. Life is an array of sparse conclusions, and this is one of them: Someone has my back. This is why I’ve reexamined everything that’s important to me. I’ve questioned every action of mine, and every thought pattern which led to it. I’ve witnessed my honesty create problems for myself which I haven’t been able to solve. I’ve been trapped for years in saying the all the right things, always acting perfect. I’ve witnessed the dull insensitivity of having faked my way through an entire day. I’ve located a part of me which I never knew I was. After all, I’m a thinker, not a feeler, and relatively tough on the exterior. Of all that I’ve done, I’ve made very FEW conclusions. Conclusions are overrated, especially because they can change so quickly, without any warning. Believe me when I tell you:

There is no black or white.
There is no easy answer,
There is no complete right.
Perfection is a cancer.
There’s not a single blessing,
Which isn’t also a burden.
No answer free of guessing,
No pure metal that’s golden.
Real diamonds have a flaw or two;
The perfect life is not for me.
Believe me when I tell you,
Nothing works out perfectly.

Life is like a course of rushing water, it follows the path cut out for it, but why do we often forget that in the larger scale of things, water also cuts its own path over time? Herein is the tension between determinism and free will. Is there a grand plan which the universe adheres to? This whole idea nauseates me when I remember the sincerity of the people who’ve tried to convince me that indeed, everything happens for a reason; it’s all according to the plan. Is there an adjustment bureau which keeps everything on track? Does God have his big thumb on top of everything that happens? Really? Any answers to this question are merely speculative. We can’t prove either answer. Yes, God’s in complete control. It’s true, the Bible says so. Good logic. Once again, you persuade me by your balance and sensibility. No, God isn’t in control at all. The universe is in complete chaos! Haven’t you ever seen that there’s a lot of order also? The stars, are ALWAYS the same, regardless of whether or not it’s a cloudy night on our mortal perception. Theism and Deism are hard to reconcile, and I admit to having failed at that, yet, it seems I can’t completely accept one or the other. All I have left is God-consciousness, which I trust will sustain me through the years of people being shocked that I don’t just mindlessly accept the fundamentals. Life is an array of sparse conclusions, and this is one of them.