Tag Archives: uncertainty

An Array of Sparse Conclusions

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I’ve looked over the edge of death and seen complete nothingness. I’ve seen that dreadful emptiness which is capable of distorting a person into a caricature which they won’t recognize themselves as. I’ve seen a pale face in a mirror, asking questions which never touch the air.  I’ve seen the loss which threatens life from those who want to believe they’ve survived. I’ve stared in the black eyes of the dragon, muttering under my breath, “I’m not afraid. I’m not alone. Now go home, don’t trouble me anymore.” I’ve feared that I’d never be able to wake up from a dream I was dying in. When my head was imploding with an inhumane level of decibels, I wasn’t going to live. I had called out for help, being unable to make any sound at all. Then the moment I dreamily called out, JESUS! the phantasmagoria dissolved into a fine powder which fled the room. Life is an array of sparse conclusions, and this is one of them: Someone has my back. This is why I’ve reexamined everything that’s important to me. I’ve questioned every action of mine, and every thought pattern which led to it. I’ve witnessed my honesty create problems for myself which I haven’t been able to solve. I’ve been trapped for years in saying the all the right things, always acting perfect. I’ve witnessed the dull insensitivity of having faked my way through an entire day. I’ve located a part of me which I never knew I was. After all, I’m a thinker, not a feeler, and relatively tough on the exterior. Of all that I’ve done, I’ve made very FEW conclusions. Conclusions are overrated, especially because they can change so quickly, without any warning. Believe me when I tell you:

There is no black or white.
There is no easy answer,
There is no complete right.
Perfection is a cancer.
There’s not a single blessing,
Which isn’t also a burden.
No answer free of guessing,
No pure metal that’s golden.
Real diamonds have a flaw or two;
The perfect life is not for me.
Believe me when I tell you,
Nothing works out perfectly.

Life is like a course of rushing water, it follows the path cut out for it, but why do we often forget that in the larger scale of things, water also cuts its own path over time? Herein is the tension between determinism and free will. Is there a grand plan which the universe adheres to? This whole idea nauseates me when I remember the sincerity of the people who’ve tried to convince me that indeed, everything happens for a reason; it’s all according to the plan. Is there an adjustment bureau which keeps everything on track? Does God have his big thumb on top of everything that happens? Really? Any answers to this question are merely speculative. We can’t prove either answer. Yes, God’s in complete control. It’s true, the Bible says so. Good logic. Once again, you persuade me by your balance and sensibility. No, God isn’t in control at all. The universe is in complete chaos! Haven’t you ever seen that there’s a lot of order also? The stars, are ALWAYS the same, regardless of whether or not it’s a cloudy night on our mortal perception. Theism and Deism are hard to reconcile, and I admit to having failed at that, yet, it seems I can’t completely accept one or the other. All I have left is God-consciousness, which I trust will sustain me through the years of people being shocked that I don’t just mindlessly accept the fundamentals. Life is an array of sparse conclusions, and this is one of them.

Heaven Is

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Sometimes amazing things happen to us which we can’t explain, but in my typical indomitability,  I’ll try to explain what’s happened. After all, how hard could that be? I realize I’m risking making no sense whatsoever, but it’s just an occupational hazard.

First, –philosophy before prose– I’ve come to believe that our ideas about heaven are merely our ideals of a perfect life we wish we could experience now. Eternity might be completely different than the scope of our mortal speculation allows us to comprehend. Heaven is a difficult concept to tackle with a priori alone, so having exhausted that approach, I’ll continue with a posteriori. I’m able to embrace the complete uncertainty about the afterlife, because my peace of mind comes from my convictions, not my reason.

Heaven is real. I know it because it’s happened to me. You can’t fool me now. I’m resorting to experiential intelligence as a means of understanding, having found reason to be dull and dry, yielding limited returns. You could say I’ve crapped out on philosophically handling questions about heaven. I’ve crapped out of methods which don’t serve me as well.

Heaven is the joy leaking through your fingers because you were the fool who thought they could hold it. It’s the moment you realize you’d waited for about five years, and it’s finally coming true. It’s the clarity in the air as you listen to the words which cut years of burdens off your young mind. It’s when the years of pain melt away into tears which are being shed on your shoulder, and down your back. It’s when you realize that your estimates of about ten years of drudgery on a path to reconciliation are inaccurate. It feels so good to be wrong. Heaven is when years of turmoil melt into a peace which comes from regret, retrospection.

Heaven is forgiveness. It’s real.

Heaven is lightheartedness slowly returning to a cynical, calloused, cadaverous creature of complicated concerns who’s been carrying crap.

Heaven is when burdens are being cut off, and you’re realizing that you’re ten times lighter.

Heaven is when the stupid humans get the hell over their petty drama, and drop grudges. It’s when people stop lugging all their crap around and spewing hate in the air about others. It’s when mortal arrogance ceases long enough to let heaven shed light on a situation.

Heaven is when NO ONE UNDERSTANDS WHAT JUST HAPPENED. Why destructive habits stopped. Why one person just gained the clarity and cool-headedness in the midst of confusion that you KNOW something changed. Someone let them in on the cosmic secret: HEAVEN IS REAL.

To those who are bent on backstabbing: fuck off. I have a life to live. I’m bloody well going to live it free, without the need for self-righteousness to assert some sort of order or justice. I don’t have the answers to any of your problems. If you wish that I’d solve the world’s problems, by attempting to hold people accountable to some code of conduct, take a reality check. Forget it. It’s my life. No type of religious claptrap  could convince me to play God and carry around a resentment for why people don’t act as they should.

2011 brought its fair share of good and bad. In retrospect, I think it was completely unfair. I was robbed of a gift I thought I’d have for 60 more years or so. but, I was given a gift –a big shiny one– that I didn’t think I’d get for years: reconciliation. Psalm 65:11 “You crown the year with Your goodness.” I’m really thankful for the ways God helps me get over the jerk side of my humanity, and works good things into my life, e.g., giving me peace which I didn’t think I’d have for about ten more years. I like how He pulls me back from danger by getting dirt under His fingernails with me, and showing me what to avoid, why to avoid it. I’m also really lucky to know His unconditional acceptance, no matter what trumpery I dabble in.

Thanks for tuning in.

BLOOPERS:

Heaven is more than 24 cookies eaten in less than 24 hours. [true story]

Heaven is when your mom is under your bed trying to find your owl. [true story]

Heaven is when people figure out the value of what they have to say, and then proceed to take the liberty of cushioning it with the most fitting expletives.

“Roses were red,
Back then at your visit,
The violets were blue,
Now they are wilted.
So long 2011,
You completely SUCKED.
If I didn’t have heaven,
I’d be royally (let’s see, what rhymes, out of luck?)”

If only I could bottle some, and give it to my family to cure them. I’d also give some of this magic medicine to a friend of mine. Here -this is what makes life life.

In Praise of Puddlejumping

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Were I to extol the merits of puddlejumping in their entire magnitude, it would be a task insurmountable with the aid of pen and paper. I find a precursory necessity to be the defining of the term puddlejumping for the unenlightened. Puddlejumping is the advanced art of puddle stepping, the well-practised skill of merely stepping into a puddle. A puddle is a pool of anything to avoid, something to be walked around, so that one may not soil their feet. A puddle is an expanse of uncertainty regarding the bottom of the puddle. Great courage is required of those who would step into a mirage which might indeed swallow them up! A puddle is most often filled with a murky substance deemed reprehensible. Certain characteristics define those who are, or are to become puddlejumpers. Puddlejumpers must be equipped with a sense of independence, autonomy, responsibility for their actions, and disregard for the opinions of fellow nonjumpers. Indeed, puddlejumping is a dangerous sport, due to the excommunication rates. In times past, even curiosity about puddlestepping proved fatal.

Puddlejumping